OK so I guess the events going on in my head from a issue I had at work (this started on 1/15) were completely untrue, but according to my boss I took the comments the wrong way. I guess maybe I did but the comments made were hurtful and I felt like I was being undermined. Not to mention my one co-worker who can make my day go sour in 1 minute flat, the combo of those two events slowly happening just made me go into a depressed state of mind for a week. I checked out mentally.....I needed that.
My boss called me yesterday, I ignored her phone call, listened to her super nice voicemail then panicked a little.
My boss called me today at 11:30am, I ignored that phone call, listened to her now concerned voicemail, then again panicked a little.
I typed a letter, addressed it to my boss and dropped it off on the front porch of my old work.
I texted to my boss hoping she accepted text messages. This was our conversation before I mustered up the guts to talk with her one the phone.
Me: I dropped of a letter for you at the house
Boss: When?
Me: Today, from what T & D were saying I figured I was fired anyway
Boss: Not at all. Would really like to talk with you and figure out what's going on.
Me: I would like to talk too but I'm embarrassed and I know my 'no show' are unlike my inner character. Which makes me feel worse, I have a hard time in these situations. I'm sorry boss
Boss: Well I think your a valuable employee and are really good with our folks. Really don't want to lose you. Have you talked with T & D?....We are clueless!
Me: I just don't think I can hack it Boss, the consumers are awesome and most of my co-workers rock but I guess I just shut down after a few comments that were made
Boss:What was said?! Like I said we're clueless!
Me: I'll call you, but beware my 3 year old is with me
Boss: That's OK, I used to have one of those!
I called my Boss and explained the many comments and situations, my boss explained to me that I need to let her know these things so she can help me instead of letting it get to me this bad. I can agree to that. She also said that the issues I've had she has also had way back in the day when she started with this company. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one who's felt this before, it was nice to know that for once in my life my bipolar wasn't going to be an issue with this boss.
Then I dropped the bomb on her, I admitted to her that I am in fact an in recovery bi-polar person who is happy to work with others who are suffering from mental illness. She then told me that now days its been nice to see more people will their illnesses coming out, getting help and then helping others. I thought dropping that bomb on her would have made her fire me, I explained that I had went into a depressed state and I hadn't went into one of these in years. This is true, I hadn't felt that low of a depression in a few years.
So Mrs. Boss will be calling me here soon to let me know my schedule. Its nice to know I'm working for someone who understands mental illness, I know if this was a different company in the same situation I would be in the unemployment line.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Why Can't I Work?
It seems like every time I get a new job I can only keep it for roughly 4-6 months, after that point I get burnt out and shut down to my work duties. This happened to me recently with a job I would consider pretty important. I was working with developmentally disabled adults in a group home setting and I'm the type of person where my job duties need to be in black and white otherwise I take on all I can possibly take one, which would explain my burn out so early after starting a job. Recently at a company I was working for I had some problems with gossiping too much and fixating on one co-worker who just got under my skin no matter what she did.
I just don't think I'm cut out for the working world although I don't like staying at home with the kids either. I like the idea of working, I like the idea of getting extra money and I like the idea of not being tied down to the house but are those likes worth my mental health? I've been asking myself this question lately and I'm stuck in this fantasy world that I can function in a professional environment. But I can't, I can't even follow through with my day to day commitments like helping my kindergartner with his homework. He was 4 months behind and by a miracle during this last ice storm we managed to get everything done. I have a hard time following through with cleaning my house, managing my money, returning phone calls, keeping appointment, oh I think that list could go on for a while.
At the moment I'm terrified of confronting my boss to tell her that I have to quit, I haven't shown up for work for a week and she called me yesterday. I mean how do I explain that I have a mental illness that effects every minute of my life and I was working with disabled adults. I feel terrible but I can't muster up the guts to call her back, I don't know what to say or even how to explain, I think she would understand my situation considering the line of work she is in but I just can't get over this utterly embarrassed feeling I have. I feel guilty, embarrassed and I let myself down. I'm letting those who are closest to me down.
This has been a hard week....
I just don't think I'm cut out for the working world although I don't like staying at home with the kids either. I like the idea of working, I like the idea of getting extra money and I like the idea of not being tied down to the house but are those likes worth my mental health? I've been asking myself this question lately and I'm stuck in this fantasy world that I can function in a professional environment. But I can't, I can't even follow through with my day to day commitments like helping my kindergartner with his homework. He was 4 months behind and by a miracle during this last ice storm we managed to get everything done. I have a hard time following through with cleaning my house, managing my money, returning phone calls, keeping appointment, oh I think that list could go on for a while.
At the moment I'm terrified of confronting my boss to tell her that I have to quit, I haven't shown up for work for a week and she called me yesterday. I mean how do I explain that I have a mental illness that effects every minute of my life and I was working with disabled adults. I feel terrible but I can't muster up the guts to call her back, I don't know what to say or even how to explain, I think she would understand my situation considering the line of work she is in but I just can't get over this utterly embarrassed feeling I have. I feel guilty, embarrassed and I let myself down. I'm letting those who are closest to me down.
This has been a hard week....
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Medications
I'll be the first to admit that I don't take my medications everyday not because of the side effects its usually because I forget to take them. As a person dealing with bipolar disorder I KNOW this isn't good for my mental health.
I think right now I'm going through a 'mixed' episode, I don't usually get manic/depressed but a mixture of both. Example of my mixed episode at the moment, I want to buy a van so that my kids don't fight in the car while we run errands but we don't have the money (manic symtom), I want to repaint the inside of the house even though its -40 outside and there's no way the paint would dry right (manic symtom) but on the other hand I just don't have any desire to socialize with anyone (depression symtom) and I really have no desire to even clean or get out of the house (depression symtom).
I really don't like these mixed episodes but I guess I put these on myself. Currently I'm trying another medication that is new to me, Geodon, in hopes that I can cut out my Lamictal and only take Geodon once a day, Wellbutrin once a day and my Klonopin as needed. I feel like I'm currently popping pills all the time, that could very well be a reason why I forget my medications.
This will be something I'll be working on this week, taking my medications on time so I don't have to lie to my therapist......
I think right now I'm going through a 'mixed' episode, I don't usually get manic/depressed but a mixture of both. Example of my mixed episode at the moment, I want to buy a van so that my kids don't fight in the car while we run errands but we don't have the money (manic symtom), I want to repaint the inside of the house even though its -40 outside and there's no way the paint would dry right (manic symtom) but on the other hand I just don't have any desire to socialize with anyone (depression symtom) and I really have no desire to even clean or get out of the house (depression symtom).
I really don't like these mixed episodes but I guess I put these on myself. Currently I'm trying another medication that is new to me, Geodon, in hopes that I can cut out my Lamictal and only take Geodon once a day, Wellbutrin once a day and my Klonopin as needed. I feel like I'm currently popping pills all the time, that could very well be a reason why I forget my medications.
This will be something I'll be working on this week, taking my medications on time so I don't have to lie to my therapist......
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Pool Party Panic
Yesterday my children were invited to a pool party usually small events like this tend to cause large amounts of stress on me because my oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD, PDD & IED. His behavior along with the behavior of my youngest son, who I admit doesn't get as much attention as he should get, gets my panic side of me out. When I panic I start to snap at little things my kids do, yell at them for not doing something that I'm sure I didn't even tell them to do in the first place and I start to physcially feel sick.
Another reason why I don't like going to these events is because I start to feel depressed, I come from a fairly close family environment and I don't have that from my husbands family in the area where we live. I start to feel depressed because my mind has a hard time with the concept that not everyone wants to be best friends with me, but deep down inside I want to feel important to them. I want them to love me, I want them to make me the center of attention. I tend to do or say things that make people think twice about me, or think less of me. 99% of the time I can't even stop what I'm going to say before I say it, then later on that day I relive that moment over and over in my mind until the thought just makes me angry or I become really depressed.
For the past month all I've wanted to do is hole myself up in my house and not do a dang thing. But with three kids needing their mom to take care of them I muster up just enough energy to give them their basic needs but I know I'm lacking in their emotional needs. I just don't feel that bond with my children, and frankly I never have. I love my children but I don't have that emotional attachment to them, hugging them as kissing them seems forgein to me. I hate that I feel this way but I haven't figured out how to overcome that hurdle.
Well I'm off to schuffle some kids around town and try to feel better, I think I have a cold coming on.
Another reason why I don't like going to these events is because I start to feel depressed, I come from a fairly close family environment and I don't have that from my husbands family in the area where we live. I start to feel depressed because my mind has a hard time with the concept that not everyone wants to be best friends with me, but deep down inside I want to feel important to them. I want them to love me, I want them to make me the center of attention. I tend to do or say things that make people think twice about me, or think less of me. 99% of the time I can't even stop what I'm going to say before I say it, then later on that day I relive that moment over and over in my mind until the thought just makes me angry or I become really depressed.
For the past month all I've wanted to do is hole myself up in my house and not do a dang thing. But with three kids needing their mom to take care of them I muster up just enough energy to give them their basic needs but I know I'm lacking in their emotional needs. I just don't feel that bond with my children, and frankly I never have. I love my children but I don't have that emotional attachment to them, hugging them as kissing them seems forgein to me. I hate that I feel this way but I haven't figured out how to overcome that hurdle.
Well I'm off to schuffle some kids around town and try to feel better, I think I have a cold coming on.
Friday, January 21, 2011
So what's this about?
I've started this blog because for one I need a place to vent my bi-polar minds ramblings to those who possibly know how my mind works and if you don't have bi-polar disorder well you've come to the right place to find out.
In 1999 I was diagnosed with bi-polar with that doctor not wanting to investigate any further into that diagnosis, from 1999 to 2009 I was jumping from one manic episode to one depressive episode rather quickly. I'm sure I have always been bi-polar based on my actions as a child and young teenager but due to many external factors I was never able to receive a proper diagnosis. OK so back to the time of 1999-2009, I was told to take 300mg of Wellbutrin 10 years, so for 10 whole years I was doped up on an extremely high dose of an anti-depressant. Some of you may know this and other may not, but someone who has bi-polar disorder should never (I mean NEVER) only take an antidepressant, true Wellbutrin has been proven safe for people with bi-polar but when its used in conjunction with a mood stabilizer. I was more or less in denial of my mood swings and was oblivious to that fact that those mood swings were effecting every aspect of my life.
It was in 2009 when I finally broke down because I couldn't get my mind to stop, I just couldn't find the mental energy anymore to suppress those thoughts and feelings...they just all hit me at once. I has went to a ANP/MSW in September 2009 to get some explanation on what bi-polar really was, she helped me understand that was I was going through was normal for my illness, while I consulted with her I was instructed to discontinue my high dose of Wellbutrin and add in a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) along with an anti-anxiety medication (Klonopin) as well as lower my dose of Wellbutrin to just 75mg. All this was fine and dandy with me as long as it worked, I was hoping for one of those overnight miracles.
For about a month I was on this new medication regimen everything was going fine until one day; its like the night before I was completely fine then the next morning when I woke up I was in a full blown psychosis state. This scared the living daylights out of me, I mean I have three young children to care for and I couldn't even get these frightening thoughts out of my head. I just remember thinking that I was going to drop my kids off somewhere with someone who I know would take care of them and I had planned on driving off a hill or crashing into something. One side of my mind was trying to slap me in the face and come back down to earth while the other side was telling me all sorts of distorted ways of hurting myself without killing myself.
Luckily the 'rational' side of my brain convinced me to take my kids to a trusted sitter I used off and on for years, that side of my mind that day also convinced me to admit myself into the psych ward at our local hospital after I had called my ANP/MSW.
Lucky for me in the middle of my psychosis I managed to find help without doing harm to myself, but to this day I can still remember the mental anguish as well as the physical pain I felt that day. I don't think that was my only moment of psychosis but it was the first one I recognized because just a month before I had begun to learn about how my brain works and the warning signs.
I still struggle everyday to maintain my 'grey' area in my mind, but because I have a passion to reach out to others with mental illnesses and I need a place to write down all my thoughts I created this blog. Please comment and let me know how your recovery is with your mental illness, who knows maybe we'll end up helping each other!
In 1999 I was diagnosed with bi-polar with that doctor not wanting to investigate any further into that diagnosis, from 1999 to 2009 I was jumping from one manic episode to one depressive episode rather quickly. I'm sure I have always been bi-polar based on my actions as a child and young teenager but due to many external factors I was never able to receive a proper diagnosis. OK so back to the time of 1999-2009, I was told to take 300mg of Wellbutrin 10 years, so for 10 whole years I was doped up on an extremely high dose of an anti-depressant. Some of you may know this and other may not, but someone who has bi-polar disorder should never (I mean NEVER) only take an antidepressant, true Wellbutrin has been proven safe for people with bi-polar but when its used in conjunction with a mood stabilizer. I was more or less in denial of my mood swings and was oblivious to that fact that those mood swings were effecting every aspect of my life.
It was in 2009 when I finally broke down because I couldn't get my mind to stop, I just couldn't find the mental energy anymore to suppress those thoughts and feelings...they just all hit me at once. I has went to a ANP/MSW in September 2009 to get some explanation on what bi-polar really was, she helped me understand that was I was going through was normal for my illness, while I consulted with her I was instructed to discontinue my high dose of Wellbutrin and add in a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) along with an anti-anxiety medication (Klonopin) as well as lower my dose of Wellbutrin to just 75mg. All this was fine and dandy with me as long as it worked, I was hoping for one of those overnight miracles.
For about a month I was on this new medication regimen everything was going fine until one day; its like the night before I was completely fine then the next morning when I woke up I was in a full blown psychosis state. This scared the living daylights out of me, I mean I have three young children to care for and I couldn't even get these frightening thoughts out of my head. I just remember thinking that I was going to drop my kids off somewhere with someone who I know would take care of them and I had planned on driving off a hill or crashing into something. One side of my mind was trying to slap me in the face and come back down to earth while the other side was telling me all sorts of distorted ways of hurting myself without killing myself.
Luckily the 'rational' side of my brain convinced me to take my kids to a trusted sitter I used off and on for years, that side of my mind that day also convinced me to admit myself into the psych ward at our local hospital after I had called my ANP/MSW.
Lucky for me in the middle of my psychosis I managed to find help without doing harm to myself, but to this day I can still remember the mental anguish as well as the physical pain I felt that day. I don't think that was my only moment of psychosis but it was the first one I recognized because just a month before I had begun to learn about how my brain works and the warning signs.
I still struggle everyday to maintain my 'grey' area in my mind, but because I have a passion to reach out to others with mental illnesses and I need a place to write down all my thoughts I created this blog. Please comment and let me know how your recovery is with your mental illness, who knows maybe we'll end up helping each other!
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