I've started this blog because for one I need a place to vent my bi-polar minds ramblings to those who possibly know how my mind works and if you don't have bi-polar disorder well you've come to the right place to find out.
In 1999 I was diagnosed with bi-polar with that doctor not wanting to investigate any further into that diagnosis, from 1999 to 2009 I was jumping from one manic episode to one depressive episode rather quickly. I'm sure I have always been bi-polar based on my actions as a child and young teenager but due to many external factors I was never able to receive a proper diagnosis. OK so back to the time of 1999-2009, I was told to take 300mg of Wellbutrin 10 years, so for 10 whole years I was doped up on an extremely high dose of an anti-depressant. Some of you may know this and other may not, but someone who has bi-polar disorder should never (I mean NEVER) only take an antidepressant, true Wellbutrin has been proven safe for people with bi-polar but when its used in conjunction with a mood stabilizer. I was more or less in denial of my mood swings and was oblivious to that fact that those mood swings were effecting every aspect of my life.
It was in 2009 when I finally broke down because I couldn't get my mind to stop, I just couldn't find the mental energy anymore to suppress those thoughts and feelings...they just all hit me at once. I has went to a ANP/MSW in September 2009 to get some explanation on what bi-polar really was, she helped me understand that was I was going through was normal for my illness, while I consulted with her I was instructed to discontinue my high dose of Wellbutrin and add in a mood stabilizer (Lamictal) along with an anti-anxiety medication (Klonopin) as well as lower my dose of Wellbutrin to just 75mg. All this was fine and dandy with me as long as it worked, I was hoping for one of those overnight miracles.
For about a month I was on this new medication regimen everything was going fine until one day; its like the night before I was completely fine then the next morning when I woke up I was in a full blown psychosis state. This scared the living daylights out of me, I mean I have three young children to care for and I couldn't even get these frightening thoughts out of my head. I just remember thinking that I was going to drop my kids off somewhere with someone who I know would take care of them and I had planned on driving off a hill or crashing into something. One side of my mind was trying to slap me in the face and come back down to earth while the other side was telling me all sorts of distorted ways of hurting myself without killing myself.
Luckily the 'rational' side of my brain convinced me to take my kids to a trusted sitter I used off and on for years, that side of my mind that day also convinced me to admit myself into the psych ward at our local hospital after I had called my ANP/MSW.
Lucky for me in the middle of my psychosis I managed to find help without doing harm to myself, but to this day I can still remember the mental anguish as well as the physical pain I felt that day. I don't think that was my only moment of psychosis but it was the first one I recognized because just a month before I had begun to learn about how my brain works and the warning signs.
I still struggle everyday to maintain my 'grey' area in my mind, but because I have a passion to reach out to others with mental illnesses and I need a place to write down all my thoughts I created this blog. Please comment and let me know how your recovery is with your mental illness, who knows maybe we'll end up helping each other!
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