Yesterday my children were invited to a pool party usually small events like this tend to cause large amounts of stress on me because my oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD, PDD & IED. His behavior along with the behavior of my youngest son, who I admit doesn't get as much attention as he should get, gets my panic side of me out. When I panic I start to snap at little things my kids do, yell at them for not doing something that I'm sure I didn't even tell them to do in the first place and I start to physcially feel sick.
Another reason why I don't like going to these events is because I start to feel depressed, I come from a fairly close family environment and I don't have that from my husbands family in the area where we live. I start to feel depressed because my mind has a hard time with the concept that not everyone wants to be best friends with me, but deep down inside I want to feel important to them. I want them to love me, I want them to make me the center of attention. I tend to do or say things that make people think twice about me, or think less of me. 99% of the time I can't even stop what I'm going to say before I say it, then later on that day I relive that moment over and over in my mind until the thought just makes me angry or I become really depressed.
For the past month all I've wanted to do is hole myself up in my house and not do a dang thing. But with three kids needing their mom to take care of them I muster up just enough energy to give them their basic needs but I know I'm lacking in their emotional needs. I just don't feel that bond with my children, and frankly I never have. I love my children but I don't have that emotional attachment to them, hugging them as kissing them seems forgein to me. I hate that I feel this way but I haven't figured out how to overcome that hurdle.
Well I'm off to schuffle some kids around town and try to feel better, I think I have a cold coming on.
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